Online Dating

Over a year ago, after complaining about the lack of dating prospects in my area to my bishop, he recommended I try online dating. I looked at him, shook my head and said, "No way. I'm not to that point yet", as if online dating was the last resort; an act of despertaion and despair. When I moved back to Salt Lake I found myself in a social predicament. It felt like I was in a new city, but this time there were people I knew. I had old friends from high school and family connections that could have been my social network. However, that is not what I wanted. In fact, it's these "friends" that I've been avoiding via distance for all those years. I wanted a clean slate; to forget the past and meet new people. The only problem was, I didn't know how or where. The most logical place to start was church. It's now been nearly 4 months since I've been in my ward and not a single friendship has blossomed. Why? I can't put all the blame on others. I have not been very proactive in meeting people. However, most of the people in my ward are below the age of 22 and are Olympus affiliates, to whom I have an automatic prejudice. The next idea I had was to volunteer somewhere. That'd be a good place to meet people, right? I tried looking for the right opportunity, but that idea never panned out well so that was out. I even considered attending an institute class at the U. When the day came, I discovered that I just couldn't do it. I wasn't afraid of going alone or meeting people. It's that I'm too old for institute! The institute vibe is very much associated with the college scene; young and naive people. After a lot of brainstorming and lonely nights, I decided to give online dating a try. For the first couple of weeks, it was more for laughs than actual searching. I got some pretty hilarious messages from guys who were either doing it for sport or they were serious and creepy. Either way, it gave me a good laugh. After a month now of dating online, I've discovered I actually like it! It's a great way to see who's out there, other than people who are in your ward or people you went to high school with. Going out on actual dates has been a slow process, but it's coming along. I have two this week! I never thought I would ever sign up for an online dating site, but I'm now eating my words...and I like the taste of them.

Deactivated

If someone were to hear the word, "deactivated" about 20 years ago, they'd think of Macguyver dismantling a bomb with nothing, but a paper clip and shoe string in 20 seconds. These days, the word tends to gravitate to the shocked horror of Facebook enthusiasts, "You deactivated you Facebook account?!" or Facebook addicts, "I wish I could do that." That is precisely what I did last night at around 10 pm. I deactivated my Facebook account.
It wasn't a premeditated action nor a reaction to an ex-boyfriend's status that promted me to take me off Facebook radar. Rather, I was sick of looking at it everyday when I didn't have a reason to. All these "friends" share special memories with me or we just happened to sit next to one another in a class 5 years ago. Last night, after reading yet another update on so and so's daily workout report, what one friend's kid ate for breakfast and another quote on the purpose of life, I had had it! This is a waste of time! No one ever has anything good, interesting or useful to say. However, that is their perogative. It is within their constitutional right to say, "I'm taking a dump right now - Dulles International Airport with John Doe." It's also within my constitutional right to never have to read this garbage. Rather than taking the time to inform my 200 friends who really couldn't care less, "Katie Crump is going to run 3 miles and then heading to the gym to lift weights for 30 minutes, stair master for 20 minutes and then a nice cool down with my soothing Sarah McLachlan remix", I am just going to do it instead!
I am not condemning Facebookers, but rather this is just the ranting of a social networking burn out. Some people find the updates and status' fun and informative and use it as a creative way to keep in touch. Not a bad idea, Mark Zuckerberg, not bad at all. I just need a break and want to devote my time to something with a little more substance.
I don't know how long I'll be off Facebook. My reference to Facebook addicts wasn't far from the truth. Depriving yourself from this daily visual substance is simultaneously empowering and unnerving. Maybe after completing the 12 steps, I can officially delete my Facebook account. I will prevail!

One Day At A Time

When I've felt stressed or down and discouraged in the past, the phrase "take it one day at a time" was often brought to my attention. This would come either by my own conscience or in the form of advice from loved ones and self help books. This used to frustrate me to tears. "How do I take life one day at a time?", I would scream either in my mind or in my pillow. To me, living in the present was impossible. How do you just ignore the future? I'm a planner, therefore, I need to schedule my life for the next five, ten and fifteen years. Although it isn't a bad thing to plan for the future, it is an unfortunate and somewhat detrimental trap if you are only living for the future. The likeliness of your disappointment is almost guaranteed. You can never be happy, because you're only thinking of what will be, not what is. The truth is, you most likely will not be happy with what will be if you are not happy with what is. The person who thinks this way, isn't truly happy. I have no doubt that the foreseeable future will be a stark improvement from your present circumstances. However, with the logic that you will only be happy when certain life events take place such as; when you move out of your parents house or when you quit your job or when you get married or when finals are over or when you graduate or when you get into a career, you will not only miss out on good opportunities to be had at this phase of life, but you may not be the best you could be when that anticipated future event arrives. In fact, it's possible you'll be disappointed with the outcome because you can only be satisfied with a better than now scenario. Right now, the present moment, may not be where we want to be forever. It may not even be where we want to be for the next 5 minutes. We hate it that much. I've been in that mind set for many years. It's possible that today is just a good day and I'll wallow in negativity tomorrow. I know how hard it is to stay positive about something that shouts discomfort, anger, disappointment and a myriad of negative emotions. This is where "take one day at a time" comes in handy. You don't have to necessarily decide that today is the last day of your life. If that were the case, I'd be doing all sorts of crazy, spontaneous and somewhat irresponsible things because there will be no tomorrow to account for it. However, in this case, there will be a tomorrow. We're just not going to think about it today. Instead, focus on how you can be productive, serve someone, learn something new, call a friend, read a book, etc. I've attempted this in the past, but failed because I allowed my mind to worry about the future. The thought of doing all these different tasks or goals everyday overwhelmed me. Now, I just focus on the present day. I'm aware of tomorrow, but it doesn't concern me right now. Today, I am doing yoga, studying my scriptures, writing this blog entry, attending the temple and calling a friend afterward. Will I do these things tomorrow? I don't know. I won't know until tomorrow.

TV/Movie Fast

On Friday I watched an exorbitant amount of television and movies, enough to make me feel as though I had eaten too many pancakes; lethargic, sick and slighlty mal-hygienic (not a word, but you get the idea). Right there and then, as I lay on my bed too tired to get up, I made a pact with myself; No movies or television for 5 days. I had made a similar goal a few weeks prior of 2 days without tv or movies. With pride, I can say I was successful in both endeavors. How sad is that? This extricating process left me feeling like a caffine addict deprived from her daily gallon consumption of triple shot cappuccino. At one point, it felt like my head started to hurt. This is ridiculous! The point of this challenge was to produce creativity and think of more cultural or intellectually stimulating activites. How well did I do? Eh, not too great, but not too bad either. To my credit, I've done more reading in the past 5 days than I have in the past 5 months. My literary interests have gone beyond memoirs...and into fiction! I read my first fiction book since high school's senoir year requirement, "Of Mice and Men". Go me!
Improvement definitely could have been made in the "cultural" category. My best effort was an attempt to see a concert performed by the choir from the First Presbyterian Church, "Some of that Old Time Religion". I'll have to listen to some of that ol' time religion another time.
I had often wondered throughout this 5 day probation if I was cheating, or rather defeating the purpose. I allowed myself unlimited use of the internet, phone, music and video camera. Although, the use of these media sources never got out of control (depending on who you ask), my attention to screen time exceeded page turning. Did I fulfill my purpose? Yes and no. The block of time used for television and movies opened up a window for studying. However, the allure of technology wasn't completely resisted. I indulged in it's convenience and exclusive global connection. I've often wondered, for the past few years now, if all this exposure is good for us. At times I've felt anxious, jittery and extremely bored in an hour of peaceful tranquility. That caused me some alarm. Gradually, my attention to detail has become lax. Have you noticed that verbally declining an invitation has become much harder? In a recuring thought recently, I was simultaneously listening to an NPR program, featuring the author of "Hamlet's Blackberry". They talked about this very issue and I listened intently. His advice was not suggesting a return to the Dark Ages nor claiming all this new technology as psychologically damaging, but rather praised it for it's advancement in civilization and our personal lives. The lesson to be learned is to use these devices in moderation. We are to use these new technologies to our advantage, but don't get too busy for what is really important in life.

Left Neglected

I've done a lot of reading lately. If you were to ask me a few years ago if I enjoyed reading, I would've either lied and said, "I LOVE to read" (just to make myself look smarter) or I would've laughed, implying "No freakin' way". When you're unemployed, such as myself, you discover you have a lot of time on your hands (more than you'd like). Reading has really helped occupy my time in a healthy way. A book I read recently, Left Neglected, was more than a source of time occupancy. It gave me perspective on life and what is really important. This book, although fiction, tells a story that certainly could be true. A woman juggles the roles of wife, mother of 3 children and a extremely busy recruiting consultant. On her way to a meeting, she gets into an accident. She wakes up in the hospital, confused and unable to detect the left side of her body. After several (but not enough) weeks of physical therapy she is discharged (enforced by her capped insurance). She experiences moments of not only physical ailments, but emotional frustration. A Harvard MBA graduate cannot go to the bathroom on her own. A top executive HR consultant drools on the left side of her mouth without noticing. The debilitation is more than she can bear. Her progress and attitude is one to emulated. Overtime, she gains strength, develops more compassion, new interests and important perspective.
Although I am not left neglected (and pray that I never will be) I realized that we all have handicaps. Things happen in our life that debiliate us, recede our progress or prevent us from becoming who we always thought we wanted to be. We can choose to be bitter or deal with our new life or situation the best we can and recognize "the wisdom to know the difference" between what we can and cannot change. My life is certainly not how I pictured it 3 years ago. If my expecation was meant to be my reality, I'd be a health and fitness consultant changing peoples lives running marathons during my free time because I loved it. However, that was not my reality. I discovered I was somewhat socially anxious and "consulting" was not in my nature. As for running marathons, another lifetime perhaps. One was enough for me. Since this discovery, I've moved from place to place residing there an average of 1 year attempting one career after another. My resume is full of random jobs and experience, but I've stored volumes of critical life's lessons in my mental library.
In another book, How full is your bucket?, it examines the effects of negative and positive emotions. The story of American POWs in the Korean war is a powerful example of the damaging effects of negative emotions. These prisoners weren't subjected to horrific torture or starvation. Rather, they succumbed to death much quicker due to emotional trauma. The guards at times convinced the prisoners to betray their comrades destroying their cohesive and necessary for survival relationship thus ensuing negative emotions among each other. Only negative letters from home (overdue bills, dear John letters) were delivered. The guards kept the postive, loving letters. This resulted in what the soldiers called, "give up-itis", which often led a solider to detain himself in a corner under a blanket waiting to die.
At times, I'm guilty of give up-itis. Hopelessness is often the blanket that entraps us. How does one beat the disease? Fill your bucket with positive emotions by surrounding yourself with positive people. You can fill your own bucket by filling others. Do something nice for someone; even if it's giving them a simple compliment. This takes practice! A cheerful disposition isn't something that comes naturally to everyone. If you can only muster the energy for one positive facebook post, then do that. "Attitude of mind", my old choir teacher used to say. Get in the habit of doing it and let that be your focus.

Hot then Cold

Monday, October 3, 2001, was a gorgeous day. I decided to hike Mt. Olmypus. Since my return to the Salt Lake valley less than 2 months ago, I had wanted to climb that mountain. My last encounter with that hike was over 10 years ago with my father and 2 sisters. It was a trek! I pride myself on being a seasoned hiker and knew I could do it without much difficulty. I did climb to the top, but it was a challenge. My legs are still sore.
As I was making my way down, the sun radiated and I could feel the heat the last hour of my decsent. I even got some color. It was hot! Coming from Seattle, this amount of sunlight wasn't something I was used to, but I welcomed it like an old friend. Sadly, this old friend didn't stay long. In fact, just 3 days later, it snowed! Summer is officially over. Hot then cold; the story of our lives.